See you in September.

Who remembers that song? My dad, that's who. I'm not that old. But be warned -- this post will be the equivalent of "HEY YOU KIDS! GET OFF MY LAWN!"

It's autumn, and therefore I am spending a lot of time in the Adirondacks. I wait for this season all year, but it's always so fleeting. This past weekend my wife and I went to one of our favorite haunts, and the weather was perfect.

We weren't sure what to expect because of all the storm blowdown we've been hearing about, not to mention the washed out roads. The access road to this place isn't great to begin with, so we figured there was a pretty decent possibility that we'd be turning around at some point. We got a bit worried when we saw a sign on the access road about a bridge being out, but when we got to the lake the only thing there that indicated something was going on was a big-ass crane. But the work was done and for the most part, we had the place to ourselves. We paddled out to one of our favorite sites, and it was vacant so we took it.

It's always interesting to see what the idiots got up to on labor day weekend. Other than the typical issue of people not knowing how to dig a frigging hole and cover it back up if they have to go to the bathroom, the site wasn't in bad shape. Some melted cans and bottles in the fire ring, but not too much garbage in the site proper. But how ridiculous and disgusting is this?

Yeah, so I had to actually touch that thing in order to move it far, far away from our site. The most digesting part? As I was moving it, the bottom fell out. You haven't lived until you've heard a sound like PHUT! and felt a 5-gallon pail of liquified fecal matter suddenly become almost weightless.

People are stupid. Do they think the rangers have nothing better to do than go around the lake and retrieve 5 gallon pails of crap? I just don't understand this mentality.

Also, over the years I've gotten pretty good at telling whether someone I've never seen or met is a stupid asshole or not. For instance, if you do this to a live tree, you are a stupid asshole:

Why do I keep coming back here? Because of this:

I'll move poop for that if I have to, I guess. But I also bought a canoe carrier. My theory is that if I can go somewhere more difficult to get to, there will be fewer stupid assholes. But there may be a fault in my logic because there are different types of stupid assholes. There are lazy stupid assholes who 2-stroke it in with a cooler full of beer, but there are also meathead stupid assholes who decide to prove how badass they are by hiking ten miles with a keg of beer on each shoulder. I guess we'll see.

It was pretty peaceful except for about an hour on Saturday afternoon when a family of five came in for a day of kayaking - mom, dad, and their three kids. The kids were loud and obnoxious and pre-teens and therefore incapable of shutting the hell up for any length of time greater than or equal to three seconds. They also felt the need to stop at the flat rock in the middle of the lake directly across from our campsite and get out. The kids repeatedly threatened to jump in and the parents repeatedly yelled at them to get back in their boats. At the top of their lungs. For a solid 30 minutes.

It's a ROCK for god's sake. It's not a ride at Disneyland. They were also trying to imitate the loons and failing miserably. They sounded more like german police cars. The loons were having none of it, and immediately vacated the premises.

We then witnessed the exact moment that primitive humans discovered the echo. They yelled things and were amazed and delighted that the spirit of the mountain yelled the exact same thing back at them. In their own voices. It was apparently like magic. They did this for another ten minutes until I couldn't take it any more and yelled "HEY YOU KIDS! GET OFF OF MY LAKE!"

No, I didn't. I just yelled "SHUT UP!" -- and they actually did.

Hello? Have you noticed that there isn't another sound for miles EXCEPT FOR YOU? No, you have not.

And why? Because you are clueless idiots. Anyway, sorry for the rant. This vacation stuff is supposed to be relaxing.

On the way home, we saw this:

I can immediately tell you a few things about this family:

1. Their house smells like cat pee and wet dog.
2. You probably don't want to walk in their yard.
3. You should never, ever eat anything they bring to the bake sale.

I still owe you guys a few stories, but between trying to see if I have enough material for another book, insulating my basement and trying to get outside as much as possible this month, I've been neglecting my poor old blog. Oh, and my computer has been in the basement for the last week because it's the only one I have with a camera on it and we've been trying to figure out which one of the cats has the poops.

That's a good use of a $2300 computer, right?


  1. I love the Finger Lakes, the Fulton Chain, Lake Champlain, wow...canoed in all of them, dove in two of them, camped along all of them.

    I know what you mean about the noisemakers...we used to shut them up on Eighth Lake by appearing from the bushes behind the beach with loaded canoes (everyone else portaged along the highway from Seventh Lake, but we knew a shortcut). 10 or 11 canoes appearing out of the scrub tends to shut people up! LOL

    Great post, Johnny!
    Peace <3

  2. Ha!

    Fucking stupid people ruin EVERYTHING!

  3. That picture of the lake looks like my backyard.

    In Texas.

    Which I believe is a helluvalongway from the Adirondacks.

    Still good to know I don't actually have to go that far for that view.

    Unless I want to see leaves changing.

    Oh, ours change...from green to black the day after the temps go from a bazillion to -40.

  4. Anonymous11:08 AM

    1.) I have teenagers and I'd duct tape their mouths before i'd let them get away with that shit.
    2.) You and your cat-poop-tracking device crack me up.

  5. kristina12:26 PM

    To scare them away earlier, before they got so f'ing obnoxious, all you guys had to do was walk around camp nekked... they'd have packed up and run off instantly!

    I've never understood why people think that when it's a nice, peaceful, quiet place, they have to "fill" it with their own noise.

    A security camera from Costco hooked up to your old VCR would have been cheaper for poop monitoring...

  6. Jay, nice! Love Champlain but haven't been there in years and years. When you said "We used to shut them up by appearing from the bushes behind the beach with loaded..." I thought you were going in a completely different direction.

    Ed, I think I just figured out what's going on my tombstone.

    Awesome, ouch. We got slammed up here too, but I got lucky. Some of my friends got evacuated.

    Mr. Lion, I don't know what to make of that.

    Scarlett, god bless you. Your children will grow up not throwing hatchets into live trees. Thank you.

    Kristina, I actually suggested that to my wife, but she was having none of it. Plus there were biting flies.

  7. Welcome home! I've glad it was lovely as usual, and I sympathize the shortness of fall. The best outdoors time.

    Also, what Ed said.

  8. Angela9:51 AM

    Been camping in both Finger Lakes region and Catskills. One hellish trip the campsite next to us brought a generator. To watch TV.

    After a near pitchforks and torches moment involving us, them and the surrounding campsites, they packed up and left.

    A ranger stopped by later to tell us on their way out the tv watchers complained that we were threatening and they were going to stay at a motel instead, neglecting to mention the generator and TV.

  9. I couldn't understand why you were insulting your basement and then I reread the sentance and realized perhaps I should get my eyes checked!

  10. I hate those stick-figure car decal things. I don't care to know about your family, I just want you to effing move when the light turns green.

  11. Hey Johnny, agree with EVERYTHING, including knowing which cat has the shits, on this one. Unfortunately, I think I can remember some of the songs running though your dad's head cuz my mom has 'em running thru HERS! Anyway, didja hear the fantastic new craze that some restaurants are going to ban youngsters??? FINALLY, I can go out with Petey and not have a mommy hat on!

  12. Your cat has the poops? Please don't bring anything to the bake sale, either.

  13. I live in the Pacific Northwest, where it's not hard to find secluded spots in the mountains. Some of them with lakes.

    As for obnoxious interlopers: We were camped on a lake and there were young people on the other side making a ruckus. We'd had enough so we fired a gun. Noise from the other side instantly stopped. We may experiment with caliber vs. amount of noise.

  14. dont know if you've seen this one but it goes with your car sticker photo and might brighten your day.
    ps it took me 30 minutes to find this gem so watch this!

  15. Hat, fat chance. Unless a box of donuts counts.

    Blair, I may need to move. What's the weather like where you are? I think if I fired a gun they'd have just thought it was fireworks of some sort.

    Grunt, I saw that a while ago! I think of it every time I see one of those stupid things. The other day I saw one where the sticker was half peeled off and I thought "Damn, hope the dog makes it."

  16. Anonymous2:15 PM

    Why don't you just feed each cat a different color of indigestible material (say, shredded poker chips or styrofoam beads or something)?

    Sounds like a lot cheaper low-tech solution for your diagnosis.

    'course you'd have to go through some poop again, which, considering your recent camp experience, may not seem real appealing.

    Word verfication: "twigies" WTF? Is that a cat food ad?


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  18. I think Germany makes an upgraded model. They actually do punch you in the nuts.

  19. ha ha...that's my Van...No, I'm joking...I want you to know I'm really joking...that is NOT my van