I've got a camera, the remote, three drinks and my laptop. This will be long, probably longer than most people will want to read, but keep in mind that I actually watched this movie. You guys have it easy.
So in the immortal words of my good buddy, Ash:
Yo. She-bitch. Let's go.
A female scientist straight from a porn set looks at what appears to be a voltage meter on a rack of uninterruptible power supplies in a mainframe data center somewhere, and yells through her lip-liner, "Everybody out now! It's escaped!" Thus begins the exceptionally poignant dialogue and amazing special effects of "Dinocroc vs. SuperGator."
The first scene is just a bunch of whitecoats running away from something, and when it finally comes around the corner, the monster looks like a giant alligator with spikes on his back. I'm not sure at this point whether I'm looking at Dinocroc or SuperGator. I don't see a cape, or an S on its chest, so I'm guessing it's Dinocroc.
He eats a handful of scientist mcnuggets, but amazingly, there's no blood. Either he's a meticulous eater, or blood is hard to do in CGI. The creature that I assume (until otherwise notified) is Dinocroc, runs across some sandy-looking dirt, leaving no tracks even though it appears to weigh about the same as a city bus, and eases itself into the water without a single ripple. It also seems to be made of styrofoam since it floats way too high up in the water. Come to think of it, that may explain the lack of tracks. On the plus side, that should make it easier to kill.
Doc Hottie stops running for a few seconds to make a phone call. We cut to the phone ringing on the other end. Who picks it up? A very old and frail looking David Carradine, who is having his blood pressure taken. I'm not sure if that is supposed to be part of the scene, or if it’s just bad editing.
She breathlessly tells him that "Primeval One" has escaped. He tells her to fill a tranquilizer gun with 500cc’s of Cetacolin, which I don’t think is a real drug. It’s probably why she then says that Primeval One has developed an immunity to it.
David Carridine asks about the other specimen (Primeval Two?), and she says that one of the other scientists is trying to sedate it. I hope they’re not using Cetacolin again. Based on my experiences thus far, that stuff doesn’t work for shit.
My hopes are shattered as a CGI monster bashes a hole into the wall, flattens a scientist and escapes its confines. Damn Cetacolin. I think the monster is extra-pissed because he just looked down at himself and realized that he has the resolution of a first-gen Xbox game. Also, I guess this must be Dinocroc since he looks more like a dinosaur than the other monster. He runs down a trail, eats one of those dudes that has no blood, and then the title credits start.
This should be good.
First we’re circling some tropical island with white sand beaches and gorgeous mountains. Then we cut two people on a beach. Unfortunately the beach looks like it’s in Jersey somewhere. The chick, who is apparently named "Baby" because that’s what her boyfriend Bruce keeps calling her, runs into the jungle and finds a waterfall. They strip down to their bathing suits and wander into the pool. The water is up to their knees. You can clearly see the bottom. No danger here, right?
Bruce tells Baby to get him a beer, and Baby complies, and walks to the cooler. Before she can turn around again,
SuperGator swallows him from below, like Jaws:
How this happens in two feet of water is beyond me, but I am thinking that one of SuperGator’s powers is the ability to swim through rock, which is an awesome power to have, especially if you are a SuperGator.
Then when Baby turns around to look for Bruce he’s gone. She’s squatting on a rock, looking into the knee deep water for him. But you know who
isn’t gone? Wrong! You thought I was going to say
SuperGator, didn't you? It’s
Dinocroc, and he sneaks up on her:
I am assuming that she is very distraught because it’s not like he actually "sneaks" in that the camera work would lead you to believe that the ground is shaking with each step. She finally turns around, and sees
Dinocroc scant inches from her face. She screams. She makes no effort to run, or move or even stand up straight and take it like a trooper. No, instead, she just does this:
Next we cut to an investigator talking to his boss on the phone. They talk about the cages, and the people at the lab, who have all disappeared. Apparently, David Carradine is "using growth hormone on living creatures," and these government types don’t seem to like it one bit. Although I’m not sure what else you’d use growth hormone on. I don’t think it would work on inanimate objects. I think it would probably just make a wet spot.
So about these missing people — the boss man wants his agent to go take a look "up close and personal" because they are so worried about what’s going on up there at the lab. So, as you’d expect, the agent says "OK, but not today, I’m taking a well-earned day off and going fishing." What? Your boss just told you to do something, and you say "Bullshit, I’m going fishing?" I find that harder to believe in than Dinocroc.
Enter hottie number two, in an inflatable pontoon boat named "Wild Angel." She looks a little like a stripper. Now I think I know why secret agent boy is going fishing. Because they both read the script and I bet they're supposed to meet up. She looks like she’s some sort of cop or forest ranger or something. Her dad is also a cop, and they discuss the weird stuff some nature photographer found in the stream. Some clothes, a backpack, a severed arm. No, I’m kidding about the arm. She tells him there’s nothing big enough to eat humans up there, and she has a very sexy voice. Also, the sound track to this movie is awesome. Picture the theme music from the A-Team meets the Munsters with a hint of 60’s Bond films, and then put the whole thing underwater so it warbles a little bit.
I’m not sure exactly why, but now there’s two choppers full of dudes with guns. They look like mercenaries. I'll bet that David Carradine sent them to kill the animals and also kill the scientists so there are no loose ends. There’s a scientist running through the woods and he’s intercepted by the mercenaries. Holy shit, the bad-ass soldier in charge sounds like he either has a speech impediment or he’s over-enunciating. "Tell me where those lizards are," he lisps. So now I know that David Carradine did send them. The scientist says, "I don't know. I’m just glad I made it out." Commander Impediment says "Yew dint int" and shoots him in the heart. He sounds a little like Tracy Morgan. He also has a lazy eye, so I’m not sure which one to look at. Then he radios to some other guys on his team who are walking through a different part of the jungle.
Did you ever notice that strange coincidence in movies like this where there always just happens to be a walkie-talkie or cell phone conversation going on when the monster attacks? I think there may be a law that says you have to hear monster attacks over a radio for them to be scary.
The other guys hear Dinocroc crashing through the woods, so they're ready. When Dinocroc is bearing down on them, they do what any superbly-trained mercenaries with high-powered automatic rifles would do - they fall backwards on their asses without firing a shot and totally get eaten. Turns out it might not have mattered, because when Dinocroc finds Captain Impediment and his team, they dump about 300 rounds of automatic fire right into its mouth, with no apparent adverse effect. They then throw a grenade at it, and figure out that it’s a little too tough for what they have on hand so they decide to run away and call in the extraction chopper. Of course, they stop near a pond or something to use their walkie talkies so I assume that they’ll be eaten, if not by Dinocroc then by Supergator, who I haven’t seen much of lately. I miss Supergator. We had some good times.
Enter hottie number 3. This is getting too confusing. Her name is Victoria and she sounds like an Aussie. She stops in to see David Carradine and kicks the shit out of his body guard for absolutely no reason at all. I will call her Victoria Kickass. She says there’s a problem and the mercenaries got themselves perished, so he tells her to call...."THE CAJUN." Holy shit, not The Cajun.
The Cajun looks like Matthew Mcconaughey dressed up like Crocodile Dundee, except less greasy than either. He looks way too clean to be "THE CAJUN" and he looks more like "THE AMBERCROMBIE." I will call him Ambercrombie Dundee, for short. He asks her what David Carradine wants him to kill….this time. (Cue ominous music)
Back to the agents. Fuck. I can’t keep track. Robinson wants secret agent boy to stay put and build a case. He also says that they can see from the satellite that someone demolished the lab.
Now we’re back to the Wild Angel cruising in her inflatable and looking at the shoreline. She has an amazing boat. Twin 50 horsepower engines, hard bottom, pontoon sides. Looks brand new. So of course, she stalls…I think that’s supposed to be some kind of foreshadowing, but then she starts it back up again. She meets up with secret agent boy just like the script told her to, and he's just fishing off the dock, wearing his ridiculous Hawaiian shirt. They talk.
Hey, his name is Paul and she’s Cassidy. She even has a stripper name. He offers to take a look at why her boat stalled, and for some reason finds out her prop is flattened. I'm not sure, since I'm not an outboard motor mechanic, but I don't think that automatically stalls your engine. He offers her a ride home. Turns out she’s a conservation officer with the fish and game department. She’s kind of cute. Maybe not so much stripper like. More like a surfer girl, only in a cop’s uniform. Like someone ordered a really fucked up strip-o-gram. He gives her the "what’s a pretty girl like you doing in a place like this" line and she says she’ll handcuff him and he says "Really. Is that a promise or a threat?" That’s the kind of stuff we’re dealing with here, but at least neither of them sounds like they’re gargling marbles like the dead mercenary with the lazy eye.
OK, now new hotties #4 and 5 are at the hotel pool talking about their upcoming helicopter ride to a hidden waterfall and you just know they are reptile food the instant you see them. I feel bad for them because neither of them can read. I know this because they are having a hell of a time reading their cue cards. I think if I turned the volume on the TV way up, I'd hear someone whispering their lines to them. Some skeevy guy starts hitting on hottie 5. She tells him to get lost but it’s not working. Just in time, Ambercrombie Dundee strolls up and pushes him in the pool with the sheer force of his awesomeness. OK, I’m kidding. He used his arm. He then tips his hat to hottie #5 and says "You have a nice day, ma’am." I shit you not. They only show her from the waist up, but judging from her eyes as she watches him walk away, I’m pretty sure her bikini bottoms exploded off of her in pleasure. He walks up to the Jerry the activities guy at the hotel and gets the info he needs for David Carradine's hunt.
Jesus, another character from central casting. This one’s in a limo and his name is Chaz Kingsley. He has sunglasses like Roy Orbison, and he’s on his cell to Jerry. I guess Chaz is taking the studio jet to the island. The activities guy says the fishing is "to die for." Har har. Chaz says "You know how I love my Tilapia." Which is a fresh water fish, so either bad writing or a little joke there. Chaz orders up a lot of stuff in advance for his regular Villa…cheeses and wines and food, and says, "Oh and Jer? Make sure you bring enough for three…if you catch my drift." Jer replies, "THAT I do, sir." Just in case you guys miss the subtlety, he’s planning on having a threesome. i didn't want you to miss that because it's pretty hard to pick up on it.
Now we’re back to Humpalong Cassidy and secret agent boy, who decided to break into David Carradine’s game preserve because the road is blocked by rocks and they can’t get the jeep through. Good plan.
Now we cut to new hotties 4 and 5 at the same waterfall/shallow pool in which Bruce and his girlfriend were chomped. I hate to see them go. We had so little time together. Right when you think they are SuperGator chow, they are surprised by the nature photographer, who explains that he thought they might be the sheriff. They freak a little, and ask him why anyone would need a sheriff out here, and Nature Photographer gets all creepy and he actually says, "No need to worry your pretty little heads."
Also, the girls decide that the best thing to do when surprised in the jungle by a strange, creepy man with greasy hair and a huge camera is to strip down and and have him take some sexy pictures of them. See? That's just bad decision-making right there.
Also a bad decision - He stands by the water to take his pictures. Note to self: I wonder what giant telephoto lenses taste like. I'll have to remember to ask SuperGator because he just had one. Then there’s lots of bikini running. If it were in slow motion, I’d think I was watching an old episode of Baywatch.
They stop running after a few seconds, and squat down looking at the water, because that’s what you do when you’re being chased by a giant carnivorous creature that lives in the fucking water. One of the says, "I can’t believe it. That poor guy. He was so cute."
I can’t make this up. It’s all true.
You know, on second thought, I think they might actually be fine standing by the water while trying to catch their breath.
OK, maybe not.
Now Humpalong Cassidy’s dad is visiting a farm. Something has been eating cows. I wonder what it could be? The farmer who looks like Jimmy Carter thinks it’s aliens, but I bet not.
Humpalong’s dad says, "Well if E.T. did it, he’s got one hell of an overbite." I freakin’ love the dialogue in this movie.
He tries to call Hump, but she’s flirting with secret agent boy who has been telling her up until this point that he’s an engineer. She says she doesn’t believe him so he folds under her brutal interrogation and says ok, you’re right, I’m a federal agent. "Sort of a spy, but for the good guys." He tells her that David Carradine is supposed to be doing crop research, but he’s been doing stuff he’s not supposed to. To prove it to her, he drives her out into a field that is full of giant…um….mushrooms. I shit you not. Mushrooms. That are two stories tall. I think they are the same mushrooms that the scriptwriter was on when he wrote this.
Victoria Kickass makes a phone call to David Carradine and then Amercrombie Dundee pulls up. In a mustang convertible. He jumps in a boat and Victoria Kickass decides to go with him, and he’s having none of it. He actually says, "I work alone. Listen, sister. There’s no way you’re gettin’ on this boat, and that’s final." So yeah, you know she’s going. She calls him a hillbilly and tells him he stinks, and he says, "You don’t have to flirt so hard." I almost shed a tear, it was so sweet.
He’s not doing it for the money, he says. He’s doing it for the challenge. I assume he is going to try to kill the creatures.
Cut back to Secret Agent Boy and Humpalong — he tells her that the government stumbled on a way to accelerate plant growth by using animal DNA, and they hired David Carradine to develop it.
Oh wait! The original Doc Hottie is running/limping down the dirt road yelling "Help me! Help me please!" They can tell she’s a scientist because it’s like a thousand degrees in the tropics and she’s still wearing her long white lab coat.
They all run to the jeep and pile in, then take off but…
Here comes Dinocroc,
Here comes Dinocroc,
Right down Dincroc Lane
Then Doc Hottie pulls a 6-shot revolver out of her purse and fires no less than 16 shots out of it. But apparently imaginary bullets make imaginary holes because it doesn’t even slow him down. Also, it just so happens that the dirt road the Jeep and Dinocroc are on runs right next to a river that Ambercrombie Dundee and Victoria Kickass are riding down in their boat, and so Vicky takes the wheel while Ambercrombie Dundee attempts to fire exploding crossbow bolts at Dinocroc, and misses completely.
"Well that took care of him for now," says Ambercrombie Dundee. "So?" Victoria Kickass says. "So I guess," replies Ambercrombie Dundee, with dramatic pause, "play-time is over." Yes, I hate when my play time is interrupted by explosive crossbow bolts.
Now we’re back at the hospital, where Doc Hottie wakes up in bed with perfect hair and exquisitely applied makeup, surrounded by X people, where X=(everyone who hasn’t been eaten) - (David Carradine + Jerry, the hotel guy). It's like the closing scene in The Wizard of Oz up in here.
Then Doc Hottie gives her long drawn-out explanation of the science behind the giant mushrooms and how she and her brother did all sorts of cool things until David Carradine said he'd triple their funding if they do one thing for him…do a little testing on some live animals. He picks out crocodiles because they aren't susceptible to human diseases.
She and her brother get into a fight and he convinces her to go for it in order to get the funding.
She's conflicted, because all she wants to do is feed the world with giant mushrooms. I think she's probably done a better job of feeding Dinocroc and SuperGator so far.
Then she explains to everyone how at feeding time something bad happened and then, just in case we forgot, we’re given a three-minute, sepia-toned, slow motion montage of the open scenes of the movie, where all the scientist mcnuggets get eaten. Then everyone leaves the hospital room to "give the little lady a chance to rest." Whereupon Victori Kickass gives Doc Hottie the stink eye on the way out.
Oh my god the acting in this movie is horrible. HORRIBLE. Where the fuck is Supergator? He probably made scale for this movie. He's like an extra.
OH LOOK, it’s that dick CHAZ with his two hotties. I will call them Hotties #6 and 7.
They are drinking champagne in the hot tub. He’s telling them there might be a "part" for them in his next movie, but they have to be able to scream convincingly. I have a funny feeling they’ll be doing that shortly. He tells Hottie #7 that she has to give it her all. He’s coaching her. Telling her to imagine the worst nightmare imaginable. To feel the fear in her soul.
Fuck, what was that noise? Oh, that’s just Dinocroc stopping by for a steaming bowl of scream soup.
I just stopped fast-forwarding through the commercials because I saw something that looked like we were back at Chaz’s pool, but it was just a 7UP commercial with David Spade. Where’s Dinocroc when you really need him?
Uh oh. Victoria Kickass is skulking around Doc Hottie’s room again. She picks up the phone and calls the nurse up to ICU and then sneaks into Doc Hottie’s room with a syringe of something that she injects into her. I was hoping it was growth hormone, but it I think it’s just poison. Just then secret agent boy comes back and catches her in the act..but remember when she kicked the shit out of David Carradine's body guard for fun? Yeah, that skill comes in handy again. She kicks his ass and runs. Just then, Ambercrombie Dundee shows up and is in pursuit!
Now Secret Agent Boy is calling his boss. Spilling the beans.
Ambercrombie Dundee is back, but empty-handed. His plan is to go after the monsters. Secret Agent Boy wants to call in the military, but Ambercrombie Dundee isn’t down with that. He says, "I know lizards. They’re pretty smart. They know when they’re being hunted."
His proposal: Alligators and Crocodiles are mortal enemies. He wants to bring them together, then take out the winner when it’s most vulnerable.
How? Well first they get a chopper and load it up with equipment. Their main ace in the hole: A forward looking infra-red unit. They plan to track the lizards by their heat signature. Apparently, when Ambercrombie Dundee says he knows lizards, what he means by that is he has no fucking clue about lizards, since last time I checked they were cold blooded and have the heat signature of a parked car.
They’re off! Flying through the air with the greatest of 80’s synth music.
Now there's an inexplicable cut to a movie tour bus full of old people looking at the ruins of an old hotel. I am sensing that this might be their last tour.
Our guys in the chopper see SuperGator, and then they fly back to the base for explosives. They’re going to run it through a tunnel and then trap it. But Ambercrombie Dundee says they have to hurry, because the lizards hunt during the hottest part of the day. When secret agent boy says, "Where do the hunt?" the answer is, "Wherever there’s people," which, in this case, means "wherever there’s a movie tour bus" which we cut back to now.
Blonde hottie #8 is the tour guide, and she and a gaggle of dried up beef jerky tourists start walking around the hotel, and they leave the bus driver alone for a little nap.
Warning: Objects in mirror are larger than they appear:
Secret Agent Boy’s boss is waiting at David Carradine’s for Victoria Kickass. FREEZE! FBI! yells the boss.
They don't freeze, and Vicky gets a bullet, while David Carradine fakes a heart attack. Or David Carradine actually has a heart attack -- I can’t tell. He doesn’t look good, but then he started out that way. His eyes are still open. Alive? Nope. Dead.
Now we cut back to the tour, where all the tour attendees are apparently deaf because they didn’t hear a thing when SuperGator jumped up on top of the tour bus and squashed it flat about 50 feet behind them.
Hey! It’s the classic "Standing with your back to the water" pose! Someone take our pic—
Nom nom nom...
(Hey, did someone lose a camera? There's a really nice one in here.)
Then the rest of the tour crowd is terrified and all like, "HOLY SHIT! RUN!" except for the one asian girl in the middle. She’s like "HI MOM! I’M IN A MOVIE!"
Humpalong and her dad pull up at the hotel as people are running away screaming into the woods. "The gator must be around here somewhere," he says. He's has one of those brilliantly deductive detective minds.
He radios in for backup, and then this dialogue happens:
He dramaticlly peels off his shades and says, "Are you ready for this?"
"I’m your daughter, aren’t I?"
"Damn right you are. I’m lucky to have you. I should tell you more often, but I’m a cranky son of a bitch."
"Dad…"
"Save it Cass. We got work to do."
Awesome.
Their shooting has no absolutely no effect, so they formulate a logical plan which involves her running for the jeep while he stays behind to sacrifice himself.
He says to SuperGator, "Here’s lookin’ at you, kid." And then kills it. No, I’m kidding. He gets eaten. SuperGator then chases Humpalong's jeep down the road. I did not know that alligators could gallop, but clearly they can.
She’s luring SuperGator to where Ambercrombie Dundee and secret agent boy are waiting with Dinocroc, who is picking the last bit of Chaz from between his teeth.
It’s time for the showdown. Dinocroc and SuperGator see each other, and start to fight.
Dinocroc clearly has the upper hand here. He jumps up and face kicks SuperGator like a fucking ninja turtle. Now’s he’s dragging SuperGator around. SuperGator finally gets a shot in and tosses Dinocroc into something that starts conveniently spewing massive quantities of CGI dust.
Ambercrombie Dundee has a single explosive charge left, because they are so well-prepared. Secret agent boy's theory is that sometimes dust explodes, so someone will have to run up to the bin that is spewing dust and throw the explosive in. That will explode the dust and along with it, both creatures. Before the charge explodes, he will jump in a conveniently placed tub of water to protect himself. This plan sounds flawless.
Ambercrombie Dundee is about 6’5" tall, and a clear athlete. Secret agent boy is about 5’6" tall, and looks like he sits at a desk all day and gets short of breath walking up the stairs. So you can guess who gets the explosive. Yep, secret agent boy.
"Make sure you hit the deck when I throw this."
"What about you?"
"You see that trough out there? I'm hoping there's enough rainwater in there to keep me safe."
"What if there isn’t?"
"Well… just make sure they bury me in this shirt."
KABOOM! Both monsters are toast. It reminded me a little of
this clip.
You can almost hear the director yell, "OK People! That's a wrap! We're out of money!"
Afterwards, as Ambercrombie Dundee, secret agent boy and Humpalong Cassidy walk away, three abreast, into the sunset, the movie ends with Humpalong's immortal words, "I’m glad that’s over with."
Cut to the basement of the old hotel where (you guessed it) we hear the pathetic mewling sounds of...
LITTLE BABY SUPERGATORS.
They sound like newborn kittens. Who knew?
