Doctor in the house?

Did you ever notice how quick Google is to judge? I typed "Is there a" intending to finish that sentence with "fixpack for Lotus Notes 8.5.1," but before I could, Google jumped to its normal obvious conclusions about what I was looking for:

So it appears that Google thinks I am:

1. Questioning my faith in god (and, more importantly, santa claus)

2. Rightfully so, because Google also assumes I have a veritable smorgasbord of diseases that no self-respecting god or fat jolly saint who existed would possibly allow, and

3. I am also interested in listening to songs about ghosts while enjoying immediate celestial events.

So Google let me down, and I had to resort to texting a friend of mine who is in Orlando this week for the big geekfest at Disney. The fixpack comes out on Friday, if you're interested.

I realize I haven't been around much lately, but I hope to remedy that shortly. I've been busy doing "stuff" that doesn't involve writing, which makes me realize that I need to figure out a way to give up sleep completely in order to be able to do everything I want to do. I'm in the process of writing a longish childhood tale for your amusement, but it's not done yet. In the meantime, please enjoy this picture of a sign I saw in our mortgage broker's office this afternoon:

Words to live by, my friends.


  1. What the hell was that sign on exactly?

  2. And is your realtor a man or woman?

  3. Realtor/mortgage broker...whatever.

  4. I got stuck at Lotus Notes 8.5.1.

    I started my life as a Notes programmer and consultant with release 3. I continued through release 4 and I think I might have done an R5 upgrade but I don't really remember. I wrote a whole system in LotusScript - so rad!

    Nice to know Notes is still around.

    And google isn't so smart or judgemental. It just figures you want what everyone else wants. Big mistake, I'm sure.

  5. Lotus Notes? Really? If I had a nickel for every time I've heard that oil thing...

  6. My 17 yo daughter looks up the top searches on Google for her amusement. It's amazing what Google assumes you really want to know about your sexual health, religion, and other odd topics.

  7. Yeah, you want Google judgment? Try doing a search to find a story on child pornography. I swear, it won't even offer you suggestions because you are just. That. Sick.

    The eyes of Google were upon me.

  8. I just tried to Google you. No cigar, but it did offer me Johnny Csh, Johnny Depp, Johnny Appleseed and Johnny Mathis. I bet none of them has good childhood stories in the works though.

    Sorry you're missing out on the FL Geekfest - that always made for good stories.

  9. Anonymous11:48 AM

    What, exactly, do mortgage brokers oil? Besides themselves, of course.

  10. I love the way google thinks they know exactly what I'm going to say, just like an over eager person at party, who butts in every other second, finishing off your sentences. And that sign??!!

  11. They missed: Is there any more of that pumpkin pie left?


  12. Proper lubrication is important.

  13. Yeah--what Badass Geek said...I really have to keep better tabs on you Johnny...I have all my lines stolen from me otherwise...LOL!

    And now I am just too tired to be original.

    On the bright side though, you have the most followers of any blog i follow. There's a cookie for ya.

  14. It's nice to know my organization isn't the only one having issues with Lotus Notes... our administrator upgraded the organization from 6.5 to 8.5 in September and we're still having problems with it.

  15. What? No guesses as to what the sign was posted above?

    Jillian, she's a woman.

    21st, everyone wants to know if there's a full moon tonight? I had no idea.

    Chris, yeah, it actually isn't so bad if you know how to take full advantage of it.

    Shine, the fbi will be knocking on your door shortly.

    KC, I tried it and I was right there between John Mayer and Johnny Depp.

    Jae, thanks for the cookie.

    Admiral, we haven't rolled out the client yet. Just the servers, and those have been stable.

  16. I love the fact that if you start to type in "Why do I...", Google will finish it with "fart so much."

    Thanks Google. Not exactly what I was looking for.

  17. Melanie8:19 PM

    My husband used to raise chickens. There is a kind of chicken (true story) that you can tell whether the newborn chicks are male or female by the color of their feathers. They're called sex link chicks.

    Try googling 'sex link chicks' and see how many non-chicken suggestions you get!!! :)

  18. Love your thoughts about Google. You are so right! Whenever I begin to type something in to Google, it's kind of a game to see what it THINKS I am going to ask.

    To the sign.....Wha???

  19. Doctor in the house?

  20. Colin, that's the first thing that came to my mind to complete the sentence "Is there a..."

  21. Anonymous11:43 AM

    hey, regarding the having more time to do stuff, I am seriously looking into cloning. If I could get a clone to go to work for me - I'd have a ton of time to do the things I *really* want to do!


  22. Check out the Bloggess (http://thebloggess.com/)
    She is always killer funny and today's entry is on Google and its mega-weird search completion.

  23. Sharon, that is funny. She gets a ton of comments too! I'll have to start reading her stuff.

  24. Damn. I was hoping that
    1) You would have made it to Lotusphere this year, and

    2) I would finally figure out who you are (and if I know you), and

    3) Buy you a drink at BALD, Saturday night ESPN party, or Kimono's (any evening of the week).

    Oh well, I guess there's always next year.