Facing your Fears.

I recently joined FaceBook. I don't know why. One day my buddy Yort asked me, "Are you on Facebook?" and I replied, "No, why?" and he said, "Why not?"

Why not, indeed. I was hesitant at first: I didn't really need another way to waste valuable time that I should be spending on other, more productive things like watching television and surfing the web. It's been interesting getting back in touch with people from my past. There are some bits of Facebook that are kind of goofy, but the overall idea is pretty neat.

The ads though, are something else. The vast majority of them seem to revolve around get-rich-quick schemes, and they alternately creep me out and/or make me laugh at their sheer ridiculousness.

Here are my favorites:

I seriously doubt he makes $1000 a day online. From the picture, I'm guessing he makes ten bucks a day offering hand jobs in the parking garage.

He is not here to make friends, and it's a good thing too, because he looks like a total dick. Regardless of what he says, I don't think he is better than me, even though he also says he makes millions online. My guess? About 5 times a year, he makes $150 a day working as an Andy Samberg impersonator. OK, he still might be better than me.

She wants to hang out at singlesnet, but it's too late. She's already pretty much hanging out everywhere.

"I have four 25-cent ties. Because of this, all the women want me." Totally plausible.

97.6% of what? Blind people? Hamsters? What? And what about that double set of chompers? Apparently, nobody is interested in what percent of something-I-know-not-what is a little skeeved out by that. Why would you click on that ad? I would be afraid of where it would lead me, not to mention the additional damage it might do to my IQ.

He makes more cash than me. In fact, he makes so much money he can afford to go to a car show and get his friend to take his picture while he stands with two booth babes who seriously hate their lives right now.

I am not buying her sales pitch, because she says people like me can earn $50-90/hr online. The truth is, she is not people like me. She is hot people, in short dresses. It's easy for her to make $50-90/hr online. All she needs is a web cam, a domain name, and a VISA merchant account.

I think I can already tell you the steps involved:

1. Move to a gated, residential community.
2. Have countertop sex with a black drug dealer.
3. Set up a grow house and sell Milfweed.


  1. Milfweed! Nice reference.

  2. They pull keywords from your profile and gear ads towards that. I get ads all the time for lesbian encounters and beads for sale.

    Actually...that sounds like a Mardi Gras party just waiting to happen...

  3. yeah, facebook can be kind of creepy

  4. Sheesh, all I get are "Over 40 and single? You don't have to be!" ads. Apparently I'm supposed to be desperate at this point.

    It wouldn't be so bad if they didn't pair the copy with images of guys so pretty they must be gay. It should read "Over 40 and single? Earn $50-100 per hour as a beard!" That I might believe...

  5. Props for the Weeds reference - - and welcome to facebook - -yet another way to look busy at work without actually accomplishing a damn thing.

  6. I'm on Facebook, but only so people in my family can keep up with my contact information.

    Otherwise, it's just another thing to ignore e-mails from.

  7. Anonymous11:41 AM

    Funny. I joined Facebook last week for the same reason and quickly became addicted to tracking down every person I've ever known. Then I found a Facebook Addicts Recovery Group to join... on Facebook.

  8. I hate those "Single girls in [your town] are waiting to meet you!" That's very community-spirited of them!

  9. Anonymous12:40 PM

    I get that same one Tiggy... except I'm a female already in a relationship with a man... I think they need to work on who they display which ads to.

  10. zzzzzz5:46 PM

    wow, mine aren't that bad, i usually get ones about bruce springsteen tickets, or going to spain for the summer. good luck with facebook though, try not to get too sucked in

  11. Shamus, thanks. I love weeds.

    PT, apparently I need fast cash?

    Shea, wtf is it with people you don't (or barely) know sending you friend invites?

    TB, I've seen those too. Those guys are hot.

    Becky, totally blocked at work. They don't let us have any timewasters. Unless you count CNN.

    BG - I don't get emails from it. It's less of a pain in the ass that way.

    Anonymous, so you're the one! Stop that.

  12. The first guy is showing you his price for a handjob, so he only has to do five to make his ten bucks a day.

    Someone sent me a link for an IQ test on Facebook. I usualy ignore things like that, but for some reason clicked on it. It asked ten of the easiest questions I've ever seen, then wanted my cell number to send the answer. "Oh, and by the way, you'll also be signing up for our service for $9.95 a month." Ah, THAT was the real IQ test.

  13. Anonymous10:20 PM

    Have you had someone you never talked to in high school and you didn't really like back then, want to friend you now? Its just another thing to feel guilty about.

  14. You're right about him being an Andy Sandberg impersonator considering that's him from his video "I'm on a Boat" (pretty funny vid actually). I wonder if Andy knows they're using his image! ;)

    Since I live in Canada, I keep getting goofy Canadian ones with someone holding a check from the government. It's very annoying!

  15. my facebook page constantly tells me ways to "shed those unwanted pounds." it is as if the facebook gnome can just see my BFA sitting on the couch facebooking, blogging, and surfing. he is screaming, "take these little pills. oprah swears by them!"

  16. I am new to your blog. You provide the best medicine in the world...laughter! SO FUNNY! New to facebook too. My daughter told me I was too old to be on facebook. Well I showed her. Now instead of sitting idly in my rocker at the nursing home, I superpoke all her friends, search for "rad" pieces of flair for my bulletin board, throw cows at people and send drinks to all my nursing home "friends." When I joined facebook my friend greeted me with this comment: "grrrrlfren!!!! you got the hook up. welcome to the time leach called Facebook."

  17. You can track me down any time you want, Johnny. Imagine I just seductively winked at you.

    It may help to remember my real name, though.

  18. If you feel too old there's always "Geriatric Facebook" where you can join groups such as "I Like to stop suddenly in the street" or read status updates such as "Vera is complaining about modern music - where's the melody?" Then there's the `Walking stick poke` feature. A hoot.

  19. anon, YES. And people from work I don't even know.

    Saff, that's funny! I've never seen the video, but it makes sense. OK, so he IS better than me. I concede.

    cbh, facebook has a gnome? I thought that was travelocity. Also, every time I see your name, all I can think of is creepy baby head.

    BigD, welcome! Pull up a chair.

    JDurden, don't ask, don't tell.

    Hogday, can I poke someone with my Rascal?

  20. I just logged into my facebook and ALL the ads on the side of the page were the creepy eye thing...but with pictures of infants.

    What does that say about what facebook thinks about me? :-)

  21. Really man...whats up with the creepy baby four eyes?? What part of my profile keywords does this match??

  22. I always get the "2 of of your friends think you're an idiot! Click HERE to find who..."

    As for Facebook in general, I have to say - I'm hooked. In fact I've been spending pretty much all of my blogging time over there which means my blog has gone to hell. Whatever.

    I did manage, a couple of weeks ago, to post one of YOUR links on my facebook page. It would be nice to have a way to marry the two things. But, I probably wouldn't want all of my FB peeps to read my blog. And I DEFINITELY wouldn't want all of my blog peeps cruising around FB. So...never mind about all of that I guess. Huh. Maybe they are right - I AM an idiot.

  23. What about the one with yellow teeth? WTF...it's CREEPY

    Love your site, it will have to be my favorite on my site.

  24. CharMarie12:38 PM

    how many Johnny Virgils from New York are there on facebook? did I "friend request" the wrong one? I'm so confused...

  25. None of them are me, actually...I use an alias.

  26. CharMarie4:15 PM



    uh oh