5/28/08

A little foundation will fix that right up.

My wife is heavily into gardening -- Flowers, not vegetables. Every year around this time, she spends all her waking moments sticking various plants in various flower beds, and I spend all my waking moments trying to keep the various woodland creatures from eating them level with the ground.

In addition to the big things that I keep out with the electric fence and the motion-sensor sprinklers, there are other animals of smaller stature that also like nothing better than to chow down on a fresh salad every morning if given the chance.

Unfortunately, she keeps these creatures away by spraying the plants with a noxious concoction called "Deer Off" which consists mostly of rotten egg whites, hot pepper and garlic. While this is pretty effective at keeping the rabbits and porcupines from eating the plants, it also has the unfortunate side-effect of making our backyard smell like the dumpster behind an Italian restaurant.

None of that is the topic of this post, however. Instead, we will now talk about the art of copy writing as it pertains to selling perennials.

Yesterday, my wife came home with some lilies, and she showed me a picture of what they will look like when they bloom. Now, I can appreciate a pretty flower as much as the next guy, but I generally don't have much of an opinion other than to say "that's nice" or "cool colors."

Because I'm a freak who has some sort of deep-seated psychological need to read any words put in front of me, when she handed me the little picture card attached to the plant, I also read the description. When I did, I immediately started laughing.

What's so funny about day-lilies, you ask?

Well, to answer your question, I've scanned this fantastic copy writing masterpiece for your reading pleasure:



So my advice to you is this: If, for some inexplicable reason, your garden suddenly fills up with peasant girls and starts to look a little shabby around the edges, you should immediately drive to your local low-budget strip club and hire one of the early-shift women to come home with you and stand in the middle of them.

That should spruce things up nicely, because -- as every good copywriter knows -- nothing stands out in a crowd of peasant girls like a stripper with a black eye.

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Click here to keep Diesel up to his eyeballs in peasant girls and strippers.

32 comments:

  1. OK...I started laughing when I read the description, and just absolutely DIED when I read your version...LMFAO!

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  2. So that is how one gets a start in the adult literature business! First thing tomorrow I am calling my local nursery to see if they need help 'advertising' their flowers.

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  3. it is my dream to write copy for a garden centre, or name the colours on paint cards.

    you just made the balance tip in favour of the garden centres.

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  4. Putrescent eggs solids? I don't think anyone will return for a second cookout at your house.

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  5. JV- do you ever get Coldwater Creek magazine? The captions have me laughing for hours because they were clearly written by people on acid.

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  6. Clearly the author is an ex- J. Peterman catalog penman (a la Seinfeld).

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  7. I love you for finding that and sharing. It's so true, too.

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  8. Day lillies are such teases though, they never let you touch unless you pay for a private show.

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  9. You're killing me! "Stripper with a black eye." LOL!

    You can't write comedy that good! Oh, wait...you can...

    CMA

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  10. Now all that is left to do is convince the wife that "Stripper Lily" is a flower, not a member of the Thursday Night crew at the local strip joint.

    I'll keep a copy of the flower manuscript as proof.

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  11. This looks strangely like the flower I caught my husband with last night at Lowe's. Somebody's got some 'splainin to do!

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  12. Get a real tart. Say, a Venus Fly Trap.....But tell her "no biteing"

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  13. kristina11:39 AM

    Well the "slender 26-inch stalk" isn't really that slender for a stripper, is it? I'd say she's a bit of a hefty-girl, wannbe stripper, who probably pissed off the poor, skinny peasant girls...

    (Disclaimer: by no means do I think a 26-inch "stalk" is hefty, in fact, it's probably far smaller than average - it's just compared to the regular, super-skinny, 18-inch stripper "stalks", this seems rather thick...)

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  14. Oh see, I took it as a reference to nipples.

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  15. Why so suprised? Everyone knows copywriters are a sexy lot.HA!

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  16. The dumpster behind an Italian restaurant. Love it!

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  17. Oh my, we read that differently.

    Where you saw "black eye," I read "brown eye."

    Oops.

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  18. Those are why I'm glad I don't have girls. Those bastard flowers wouldn't be able to keep their slimy petals to themselves!

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  19. Get a wiener dog to keep out the rodents...or...or just get 2 wiener dogs, like me. Not a rodent in the yard. Plus, you'll look really cool walking them around the block.

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  20. I wouldn't get those flowers for fear my neighbors would see my husband outside courting them.(or with his nose buried deep in their "black eyes")

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  21. Opeth is one of my absolute favorite bands... you outta try and expand your musical horizons once in a while. You may find you like the strange....

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  22. Their music isn't what I have a problem with. It's the resident cookie monster's complete lack of vocal talent that I have a problem with.

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  23. Katie3:07 PM

    As far as your Italian restaurant dumpster goes -- I worked at a store in a strip mall that shared a dumpster with a sushi place. I promise you there is nothing stinkier than that. Nothing.

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  24. That. Is. Classic.

    I can't believe someone gets paid for that...the copywriting bit, that is...

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  25. Man a barbeque at your house would be bittersweet. Smelly backyard but its full of strippers and peasant girls.

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  26. I've always wanted to be the guy to name Adult Films.

    "On Golden Blonde" and "Star Whores" are just child's play. I am so far up on a higher shelf it doesn't compete.

    Get me the job and I'll give you the kickback as my agent.

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  27. It's important to maintain the peasant girl/stripper balance in your garden though. My garden is full of nothing but dark eyed strippers, and frankly, it just looks a little odd.
    Obviously it needs more peasant girls.

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  28. Call me a dirty girl but day lilies have always reminded me of female naughty-bits in the first place... but maybe I'm just a pervert.

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  29. slutty flowers. i bet the bees are all over them all of the time and they just open their petals to anyone with a long nose and a fat wad o'honey in their pocket. so typical.

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  30. Hah, so because of the small text, I read the first two lines as part of the same sentence, "Hybridizer Jeff Salter, like an exotic dancer..."

    Also, I love the fact that your flowers will be exactly 5.5" on top of 26" stalks.

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  31. Hmm...and I thought the holy grail of copywriting would be naming lipsticks, nail polishes or new designer mammals...I clearly was mistaken.

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