A little foundation will fix that right up.

My wife is heavily into gardening -- Flowers, not vegetables. Every year around this time, she spends all her waking moments sticking various plants in various flower beds, and I spend all my waking moments trying to keep the various woodland creatures from eating them level with the ground.

In addition to the big things that I keep out with the electric fence and the motion-sensor sprinklers, there are other animals of smaller stature that also like nothing better than to chow down on a fresh salad every morning if given the chance.

Unfortunately, she keeps these creatures away by spraying the plants with a noxious concoction called "Deer Off" which consists mostly of rotten egg whites, hot pepper and garlic. While this is pretty effective at keeping the rabbits and porcupines from eating the plants, it also has the unfortunate side-effect of making our backyard smell like the dumpster behind an Italian restaurant.

None of that is the topic of this post, however. Instead, we will now talk about the art of copy writing as it pertains to selling perennials.

Yesterday, my wife came home with some lilies, and she showed me a picture of what they will look like when they bloom. Now, I can appreciate a pretty flower as much as the next guy, but I generally don't have much of an opinion other than to say "that's nice" or "cool colors."

Because I'm a freak who has some sort of deep-seated psychological need to read any words put in front of me, when she handed me the little picture card attached to the plant, I also read the description. When I did, I immediately started laughing.

What's so funny about day-lilies, you ask?

Well, to answer your question, I've scanned this fantastic copy writing masterpiece for your reading pleasure:



So my advice to you is this: If, for some inexplicable reason, your garden suddenly fills up with peasant girls and starts to look a little shabby around the edges, you should immediately drive to your local low-budget strip club and hire one of the early-shift women to come home with you and stand in the middle of them.

That should spruce things up nicely, because -- as every good copywriter knows -- nothing stands out in a crowd of peasant girls like a stripper with a black eye.

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Click here to keep Diesel up to his eyeballs in peasant girls and strippers.