4/23/08

Dear Blog,

I feel bad for neglecting you.

So bad, in fact, I decided to sit down and write you a song to tell how I feel. Do you know much about old Seventies music?

No?

Then check out my song:

Hello, it's me
I've thought about us for a long, long time
Maybe I think too much, but something's wrong
There's something here that doesn't last too long
Maybe I shouldn't think of you as mine

Seeing you
Or seeing anything as much as I do you
I take for granted that you're always there
I take for granted that you just don't care
Sometimes I can't help seeing all the way through

It's important to me
That you know you are free
'Cause I never want to make you change for me

Think of me
You know that I'd be with you if I could
I'll come around to see you once in a while
Or if I ever need a reason to smile
And spend the night if you think I should

It's important to me
That you know you are free
'Cause I never want to make you change for me

Think of me
You know that I'd be with you if I could
I'll come around to see you once in a while
Or if I ever need a reason to smile
And spend the night if you think I should

Think of me...
Think of me...
Think of me...


So now you know. It's not you, it's me. Actually, it's this on-call pager duty bullshit that's got me all MIA.

The week so far wasn't a total loss though. I did learn a few things. No, you really don't want to know --it's just boring stuff. Really? OK, you're right, it probably will make me feel better. What? You want to rub my back while I type? Of course you can, if it means that much to you.

What I learned this week:

(1) Never fill out anything 'loan related' or 'car related' on-line. At least not with an e-mail address you plan on using ever again. Why? Spam count so far today: 120. Fuckers.

(2) Never get stuck on pager duty when the resident genius on your team is on vacation, and the other resident genius is off watching his wife drop a new kid. Why? Because you are fucked when something breaks, that's why. It's a very quick and effective way to realize how much you don't know outside of your specialty area. (Note to self: Learn more stuff, even if it's easier at the time to ask genius 1 or genius 2.)

(3) I need a new car, and the one I want is the one *everyone* wants and consequently, I can't find one. Why? Because it gets 36mpg, and some goatfucker with a rowboat and a rocket launcher can make gas prices go up ten cents per gallon over night if he waits for a tanker to chug by.

(4) Never put fish and hamburger in the kitchen garbage can the night before a really hot day. Why? Because your house will smell like a decomposing corpse when you get home.

(5) Never spray pine-scented air freshener in an attempt to get rid of the smell of decomposing corpse. Why? Because then it just smells like a decomposing corpse that someone hung in a Christmas tree.

I'll be back this weekend. Really.

It's not you.


Humor me with a click. And humor yourself while you're at it.


41 comments:

  1. geez, you had me scared. I thought you were going to say were going to stop blogging. That would be about par for the day I've had. I love that song, though.

    Buck up, little camper. It's hump day! BTW, what car? Does this mean you are ditching the Miata? I heard donor-cycles get good mileage. :-)

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  2. Just out of curiousity, what does a gallon of gas run you in NY?
    These prices are getting out of hand, seriously.
    The cheapest I can get gas is $3.40 for regular at Costco.
    Thank goodness I do not have to work and my husband works from home or we would be broke from buying gas.

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  3. Otter9:12 PM

    "Donor-cycles," KC? That's GREAT! I'll remember that. Esp if $3.49 a gallon gas makes me have to buy one.

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  4. I'm glad you're back ~ gas here is $3.71 reg. decaf... UGH!

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  5. The lowest I could find here today was regular for $3.64 cash, $3.69 credit. And no, I still have the miata. I don't drive it enough for the gas to matter much.

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  6. You *never* type out the F-word in full...never! This must've been a week built from real-live genuine crap--you typed it out twice! My condolences.

    : )

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  7. that #5 is the unbridled truth. in spite of the fact that the glade plug-in peddlers manage to convince enough people otherwise.

    this also applies to the myth that lighting a match will neutralize that post-dumping stench in the bathroom. instead of simply transforming it into eau d' burnt shit.

    jesus, is that bread you were quoting?

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  8. 6. Never put rat poison in your attic, cuz then your house will smell like an actual corpse when the rats die off in your walls.
    Gas in Norcal is $3.89. major suckage

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  9. Wow this might cheer you up I've gotten out of work everyday at noon or before then, today I didn't work, and tomorrow I go in early to get out early, for a 4 day weekend and then a week after that I get 30 days off paid....... Ahhhhhhh.... Shit man at least it will be warming up and you won't have to really worry about fuel oil up there in southern Canada. Your song rocked the show, I loved the lessons learned as I'm learning them a new, like today I found out that when I eat everything in the fridge (cuz i'm not at work) I'm supposed to tell someone i.e. my wife so that she can pick up milk and bread, and soda, and toilet paper (i didn't eat that)these are things I'm just getting used to again... thanks again for the laughs....ps I can't believe you have a miata....

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  10. We'll I'm pleased you've updated. Cause I'm a newbie reader of your blog and I think you're funny.

    So, even if its just for me, keep on blogging dude ;)

    (feel free to come visit - even though I'm not as funny as you. i'd try harder, but trying makes it worse.)

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  11. Gas is $3.40 is midgrade here, but I'm getting E85 for $2.69. Flex fuel, yo.
    I guess what I learned: Glade candles smell like shit. All of them. And when you light it for the first time without trimming the wick it smells like burnt shit. I've never had a candle that smelled like I was trying to burn down the entire apartment complex... with the faint essence of Fresh Rainshower.

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  12. A small bowl of white vinegar sitting in a place that it won't get knocked over is the best thing for getting rid of bad odours! The bonus there is that it won't do any damage to your breathing.

    By the way, gas here $1.18/l or about 4.48/gal, the bonus? This is Alberta where all the gas and oil is being pulled from the ground.

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  13. Friends visited me from Korea this week and told me gas over there is running around $5. A LITER. So that makes me feel sorta better.

    I feel you on 'pager duty'. I myself am on 'grabass' duty, because our office manager was in a motorcycle accident and will be back who knows when. And we're all sort of figuring out what she used to do with the stuff we'd hand her when she'd go into her office. Bleh.

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  14. spedrson8:29 AM

    One of my college professors was one of those CSI type guys in a previous life (he said it's not as glamorous as on TV). Anyway... he said one time he came to the scene of a crime and they found a decomposing body in a closet. The crazy lady that killed her husband was trying to cover up the smell with Lysol. So, now he vomits in his mouth anytime he smells Lysol.

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  15. Anonymous8:47 AM

    Not to be a dick or anything, but I am kind of glad that gas prices are shooting up. I'm soooooo sick of everyone driving those obscene behemoth SUVs. If one of those ever runs a light it will squish my family like a bug - not to mention that little global warming thing. Sad thing is that the prices hurt people who are broke worse than people who drive the real monsters, for the most part.

    I LOVE my SUV, by the way. It gets 25 mpg and still has 250 hp. We only drive it when we have to shlep the whole family.

    Missed you, big guy. Don't go leaving us like that again, you magnificent prolific bastard.

    dilf

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  16. Glad you're back. I was very concerned that you were having a major personal crisis. I mean besides the corpse garbage.

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  17. Thought maybe you'd got into that old Chevelle with a friend from the old days and tried a couple of those stunts just to see if you still could....

    Men do stuff like this when they get to A Certain Age. Women too.

    Glad ye're back.

    FA

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  18. $3.35 in Albuquerque ($3.32 if you're a member of Costco) Thats it! I'm buying a motorcycle!!!

    Glad you're back JV! (BTW, loved the song!)

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  19. I paid $4.09 for Diesel at Wally World, with the discount.
    There is some place in Kentuky (I think), where they study decomposing human bodies, like left out in the woods. Left in the trunk. How long until Mr and Mrs Maggot move in. How long before Mrs Maggot's kids have kids. How long until the eyeballs fall out.
    Enquiring minds need to know this crap!

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  20. Our resident genius, Captain Annoyo, is on vacation this week too. Now I am realizing that not only he is a cocky little inhaler-sniffing geek, he is much smarter than I am and has devised evil applications that work only when he is here.
    Curses!

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  21. The "Body Farm" is in Knoxville, TN. Sounds lovely, doesn't it?

    http://www.jeffersonbass.com/video_body_farm_tour.html

    You, too, can donate your body to science.

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  22. Bridget S1:52 PM

    I was scared myself that you were signing off- I'm still waiting on Catalog Funnies Part II so I can wreck my other pair of underwear peeing in my pants. Yep, only 2 pairs (well, one after finding this blog and reading all the archives for a few hours). 2 pairs of undies are all I can afford when it costs me $60 to fill up my car, which even so gets relatively good mileage. Damn minivans.

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  23. As long as I don't have to kiss anyone under the Missingtoe.

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  24. Hello! I've never posted here before but have been reading for quite some time. Call me shy, ha!

    One thing that works great for smells is a couple tablespoons of ground coffee on a plate. Just put it in the general area of the smell. Not only does it absorb it quick but the coffee smells great!

    I'm here in Vancouver, BC and it's currently $1.27/liter (roughly $4.80/gal). Before I moved to Canada in 1999 from Illinois, gas was roughly $1.25/gal. I can't believe how much it has gone up in the /cough 8 years that I've been gone. I don't think there's ever been an increase like this in gas history has there?

    Love the blog, you crack me up!!

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  25. Amanda -- sure I do. Usually only once per post though.

    Epi -- no, it's TR. Todd. The Runt. You know. Rundgren.

    Claire -- one time a mouse died in my office wall. Damn, that stuck. Since I only had the one computer, I wore a paint booth respirator to pay bills with quicken. It lasted about 3 weeks.

    Grunt -- I've never been in the service and my wife tells me the same thing. And yeah, I have a 94 Miata. In my defense, when I bought it I didn't know it was a gay car. I just wanted a 2 seater that would handle mountain roads and it was all I could afford. I didn't research it much. Damn Homosexuals. First they co-opt the Rainbow, then the Miata.

    K, I will.

    Magna, the problem is that you don't get as many BTUs of energy out of that Ethanol. So it *should* be cheaper. You get less mileage per gallon.

    Reb, I hate the smell of vinegar, unfortunately.

    Rockin, no I'm still here. Just running out of hours in the day.

    Fireant, when my pager went off at 3am for the fifteenth time I was ready to just drive my car into a brick wall.

    shield, that does suck.

    Sped, I'm the same way with dead bodies.

    Lew, that's funny shit.

    Mom, I was gonna mention the body farm. I remember reading a murder mystery about someone dumping a body there.

    Bridget, I'm still working on that....

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  26. I know that I get less MPG with ethanol but the truck runs better and I feel more secure using local (We're in corn country) and renewable energy.

    Plus, ethanol smells like Jack Daniels.
    It makes filling up all the more fun.

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  27. Jack? Damn, I could get behind that. My problems with corn-based ethanol are more about using a food source to make fuel, which makes the demand (and the price) of corn go up. There is also a limited amount arable land, and as the price of corn goes up and it becomes more profitable to grow, it will most likely be grown instead of other food.

    Here
    and here
    are a couple of articles that argue against ethanol better than I can. Goddammit, I went and got political. WTF.

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  28. Spam and fuckers and corpses oh my! What a terrible week for you. At least you're back. I was starting to worry. When I don't post for a while, nobody gives a sh!t, but when you don't post for a while people start to worry. Pretty soon mayhem ensues. It gets ugly. I was about to send some Mounties down to find you. Thank God for this post. Now the Mounties can stand down. Cheers, eh.

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  29. I usually rid the smell of decomposing waste by putting it in my neighbour's bin when they've gone to bed. Saves money on expensive aerosols.

    And I can kill two birds with one stone and siphon some free gas out of their car's tank too! They don't mind, I'm sure.

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  30. Gas is up to $3.69 here in Portland Oregon. My roommate smugly drives his Prius right by the gas station without even thanking me for making him buy it back in December, in time for his rebate no less.

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  31. Matt M2:28 PM

    Gas is $3.47 in Houston, in sight of the refineries.

    Do coffee grounds remove the smell of old corpse? How about cinnamon in gently boiling water? Time to find out.

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  32. You could always walk around like a serial killer with Noxema on your upper lip. That would be hot.

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  33. I always miss your posts when you are busy - glad you are back! BTW - what tune am I supposed to be singing that song to? I was just making one up... and I wasn't good.

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  34. Nicki, I reordered the songs in my little playlist so you can just push play and listen to my song. I even got 70's hitmaker Todd Rundgren to record it for me.

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  35. Forget 36 mph, if gas gets any higher ($3.59 here) I'm going to put my car on blocks and put my fat ass on my bicycle.

    Can you come by my blog and sing some old Queen songs? Thanks!

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  36. omg! todd rundgren rocks!!!! i love.love.love that song! thanks for posting it.

    always create a bogus email account where you can use it for any junk website that asks for an email address. don't put your real name on it, either, when you create one.

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  37. Rita, I made the mistake of thinking I was dealing with a reputable company.

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  38. Wow, I got so caught up in reading the comments here (and the DISSIN of our Toddly) that I almost forgot what I was going to say. Oh yeah - thanks for the dosage of Todd. Hee.

    Meanwhile, if you want to see what real blog neglect is, you should just look around....it seems like everyone's got blog neglect these days. Hell, I can't even read all the blogs I wish I could. Pity. Where are the good old days when blogs took first priority? What's the world comin' to?

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  39. And hey, I'm liking your playlist. Add some more please. I need some ideas to complete my collection.

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  40. Cruiser, try this:

    http://www.pandora.com/?sc=sh21788047029555901

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  41. Just saying hello. As long as they don't ration gas....

    If it gets too expensive, I can always sell the house and live in the car.

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