Hunt mountain lions with a knife. That's a sport.

So I was talking with a deer "hunter" the other day. I really don't know how anyone could actually fail at this so-called sport. I know how most people hunt deer, and really, it's not so much "hunting" as it is "sniping what walks by." I realize it has to be done to cull the herd, blah ,blah blah. I actually happen to like venison, but I don't hunt deer. If I did, maybe to make it more fun I would stalk them, probably with a longbow or a flintlock. At least they have a sporting chance that way, mostly because I'd probably never see one since they'd hear me coming a mile away.

Know this going in. Your job, if you choose to accept it, is to outsmart a deer.

For those of you who don't know how it's done, here's a little primer.

1. Before the season starts, feed the deer. They sell automatic, timed feeders that will dump corn on the ground at certain times. The deer get used to getting a free handout, so they stop by at around the same time every morning for a bite to eat.

2. Also before the season starts, put up a treestand. This is basically a high platform with a chair that you fasten to a tree and will eventually sit in and shoot from. Deer don't usually look up, so the chances you will see them before they see you is pretty good, unless you get drunk and fall out while trying to piss into an empty beer bottle.

3. Go get two or more bottles of "stuff." One to cover up human stink, the other to lure male deer. There's about a zillion different brands on the market, but they're pretty much all the same. Here's two examples, made by the same company: Deer Dander, and Standing Estrous.

The first, according to the literature, "makes you smell like the deer you pursue." (Note: Do not put this stuff on and then go to the office. That's just a little tip for the mainframe guy with the earring and the pony tail who works in my building.)

The second, an attractant, is just this: female deer piss. But not just any piss -- oh no. This is very special piss. (Another Note: This stuff also stinks, and apparently will make male deer want to pole you really bad, so don't spill it on your pants by mistake if you are in the woods alone. Unless, of course, that's your thing and you are looking for some deer lovin'.) Here's the description: "She stands, he mounts, and Code Blue bottles her urine. You won't find peak estrous scent collected with comparable precision. From a single, proven, receptive doe."

First off, that has to be the worst job in the universe. Think about it. You have to get in there, collect the piss and get out, all without getting an erect buck penis in your face. ("OK, we have to time this just right. Don't forget what happened to Stevenson two weeks ago - He still wakes up in the middle of the night screaming and gagging.")

Secondly, I had no idea that female deer were into water sports. They just spontaneously piss themselves? The shit that I learn from the Cabela's catalog amazes me.

4. Set up a few decoys. These are "photo-realistic" does. Somehow, according to the literature, they are painted and posed to "duplicate a receptive doe." I'm not sure what that means, but I am pretty sure it involves a little red teddy with black lace trim.

OK, so now you've got the deer trained to stop by, you've got your stand set up, and you smell like a doe that's cruisin' for some pole.

The last thing you need to do is wake up at 3am on opening day, get in your tree stand, and wait. At the appointed time, a gigantic buck will cluelessly wander in, looking for the deer equivalent of what every man wants -- Free food and hot sex with two chicks at once.

Then, right when he realizes the females aren't real, you point your high-powered rifle at his head and blow his brains out. If you time it exactly right, his last thought should be "Hey! These chicks aren't real! What the F-" BLAM!

The reason you wait for this precise moment is because the buck's confusion and disappointment releases a chemical compound into his bloodstream that will make the venison extra tender. (or so I've heard.)

Congratulations. You've just outsmarted one of the most dangerous, intelligent pred--- no wait.

You just shot a forest cow.

*edit 9/1/09; Lots of traffic on this old post! For the people who don't read the comments -- this is a humor blog, and as I've said in the comments, this post was really to bust the balls of my treestand hunting buddies. I have *nothing* against hunting. I have two of my friend's deer stands on my property right now. So read this as it was intended -- to poke a little fun at the tree standers, and at the people from NYC who order a thousand bucks worth of stuff from Cabelas, drive two hours north and shoot cows and dogs by mistake. I have no agenda here. I'm an NRA member, a multiple gun owner and as long as you're not trespassing on my land, we're all good.

And seriously, some of you guys need to lighten the fuck up. So far I've had death threats, been called a "gutless tofu sucking freak" by an anonymous poster who apparently doesn't understand irony, and "a squaw" because I like venison but don't hunt. The reason I don't hunt is not because I give a shit about deer or hunting. Deer hunting is hard, and time consuming. I just don't like it enough to work that hard for it. I'd rather let friends hunt on my land and then just drop off the steaks and sausage later, if that's ok with you. I like steak too, but I have no inclination to go to the farm, pick out a nice cow and then cut my own.

And nobody should be forced to eat tofu.


  1. I too like venison and I too don't hunt. I hear tell that the Celts used to hunt the stag with a knife as a right of passage into manhood - many a man to be was gored to death. It seems somehow more fair to me. Fear getting poled by an angry buck looking for a f**k!


  2. HEHEHEHE! I love it! I am SO sending my fanatical hunting sister and brother-in-law to read up! Sure they are a bit red-neck, but they can read AND WILL LAUGH!

  3. "the mainframe guy with the earring and pony tail"

    the sad thing is that this is so true. He is GROADY and I haven't used that word in, well... never

  4. OMG, I'm laughing so hard because my father buys that piss stuff!

    I still love you, JV.

  5. you smell like a doe that's cruisin' for some pole. Classic Line JV!

  6. Yup, there are many a weekend comando that brave the wilds to sit in a deer stand and get shitfaced on brandy and schnapps waiting for the ever crafty and dangerous "forrest cow"

  7. I'm laughing so hard right now, I live in Redneck Country. The guys who hunt this way actually call it a sport.

  8. I used to want to hunt, but only because I love a hunter's breakfast at 4:00 a.m.. Those guys chow down! Better than Denny's.

  9. I always believed that in order to call it a sport you'd have to give the deer a gun. Or at the very least use a bow.

  10. I don't hunt. I like to eat the meat, but I have nothing to do with how they get the meat. Second, I agree with you. Hunting is not a sport. When they use a bow and arrow are they only slightly bringing it up to competitive action. At least then the deer has a chance.


  11. I don't hunt, which makes me a freak in my neck of the woods. But then again, I'm not out freezing my ass in a tree stand smelling of deer piss, so who's the fuck-wit now?

    But I'm a crack shot with a paint-ball gun. WHOHAW!

  12. Oh cripes, you've just reminded me how much I loved (insert sarcasm) it when an ex of mine would get up at 3:30 a.m., put on 22 layers of unnattractive clothes, douse himself with deer piss in the garage and take off in his truck as though he was a rootin tootin caveman. Jackass couldn't get up by 9 to keep a job, but oh yes, for deer hunting? You bet.
    Very funny post!!

  13. This was great. Now that we're fast approaching hunting season around here I'd love to send this off to a few friends. Now you have me wondering about just how do that collect the female piss. And I think bowhunters are the ones that are true hunters.

  14. Anonymous10:31 AM

    I agree very funny post even if its from a misguided and poorly informed non hunter. Its easy to make fun of those things we dont understand or have never tried it. those who say they like eating venison must know it doesn't come from the market. I have hunted most of my life and I know very few hunters who use the products mentioned in these post. I see nothing wrong with using them as hunters are harvesting a renewable resource. I think using any tools that makes that a little easier is fine. giving the game a chance is not what hunting is about harvesting that game is the point and doing that in any legal manner availabe is fine. Rememb er anu meat you eat is from an animal some one had to kill to put it on your table.

  15. Hey anon, you're probably new here -- but a lot of the time, I pretend not to know stuff to go for the funny.

    That being said, I realize that hunters have taken over as the main predator of deer, simply because it's not feasible to reintroduce the wolf and other predators to what's left of our wilderness. And I am certainly not opposed to culling the herd, but most hunters I know are going for the rack. The culling, if it's thought of at all, is at best a distant third behind trophy and free meat for the freezer. It's mostly an argument used against anti-hunters, of which I am not.

    Really, the whole point of this post is to poke a little fun at my tree-standing buddies. So take that for what its worth, and happy hunting!

  16. Anonymous3:39 PM

    I am a hunter and thats damn funny.

  17. Anonymous5:44 PM

    Hmmm, now I know where I went wrong. Things to buy for Christmas: Deer pee, stands, alarm clock, brandy, knife. Bow so I can be more sporting, or flint lock if I'm wishing to make a spectacle of the whole thing. Check.

    I don't think hunting cats with a knife is much sport. Hunting wild boar bare handed is. Bringing them to heel with a gaff is too. Y'all ought to try that sometime. Use one with a long handle!

    Now before y'all go being disrespectful of rednecks keep in mind they're tougher than you, and cranky. Before you sign off on the idea that flintlocks are primitive toys do some research on the history of the Revolutionary War. After all, it was the first and perhaps only important war this country ever engaged and the affair was largely influenced by long range snipers using...cough...flintlock rifles. General Washington did not play fair back then, much to the dismay of the Crown.

    Ol' Red

  18. Anonymous5:49 PM


  19. Hey there Red,

    My next door neighbor shoots a flintlock for fun (and hunting, although I don't know if he's ever gotten a whitetail) and trust me, I know it's not a toy. i think his shoots something crazy like a .54 cal, and that thing packs a serious punch.

    Wild Boar?? That's free bacon right? That shit will kill you, either up front or later on.