Coyote Ugly

I saw a pontiac Aztek on the way home today. The guy driving it looked normal, but I know he wasn't. He couldn't be. I know that because he was driving one of these. In my book, that precludes normalcy. There's a reason they used these things as the "futuristic" armored cop car in so many post-apocalyptic sci-fi movies. They are that depressing and ugly.

With the possible exception of the Hummer II, the Pontiac Aztek has to be the ugliest thing on our highways today. Every time I see someone driving one, I not only pass judgement on the car, I also pass judgement on them. I can't help it. I instantly wonder if their living room has green shag carpet and avocado and gold furniture. I cannot fathom the possibility that someone actually bought one of these things of their own free will. I personally think that everyone behind the wheel of one of these shitbricks on wheels has to be working for, or being paid off by, Pontiac.

The thing that scares me about this SUV is that it is a rolling example of everything that is wrong with upper management in corporate america. Somehow, this 2 ton abortion actually made it through the idea pitch, the design stage, the prototype stage, and the production stage without anyone at Pontiac writing a memo about how the emperor has no clothes and a boxy, flat, ugly ass. Or even worse, if the memos were written, they were ignored.

They have sold something like 11,000 of these things the first year -- a pretty small number when you're talking about a production SUV. I read that out of the gate, they estimated that they would sell something like 75,000 in the first year. I also remember that a substantial number of that 11,000 was fleet sales -- Pontiac giving companies a special deal if they bought a bunch. They could give them away, but they had to work at it.

This just had to be some three-letter executive's wet dream come to life. There is no way this thing would have ever been produced unless it was driven, nay, shoved down from the top. I suppose it's also possible that it was the result of the designer being the nephew of the CEO, or an office affair gone awry. This thing is so ugly, there is a definite possibility that it may have been the CEO himself having the affair with his nephew.

You may disagree with me, and you may even think this car/truck/SUV is the prettiest thing on the road. If you do, I can almost guarantee that you probably have a singing bass plaque on the living room wall, and a really nice candy dish on the coffee table.

If Pontiac won't stop selling these things, I think they should offer giant paper bags with windshield holes cut in them, so the rest of us don't have to look at it when it drives by.