No funny here. Nothing to see. Move along.

Once again, mama wood thrush decided to build her nest in our hanging plant. Four eggs this time, instead of three. I took this picture a few days before they took off:

I like how the one in the back is all, "Eff you, man. You're not my real mom." And then two seconds later he's like, "OK, maybe you have some food."

And since I've had a few requests for sword pictures, here's a bumch of pics of the last sword my friend Paul and I did together. Hard to believe it started out as black sand from a lakeshore. (click for larger pics):

Also, I wanted to mention that my buddy Brennin's new CD is now available. Jeff Juliano (John Mayer, Lifehouse, Dave Matthews and Jason Mraz) even offered to mix it after he heard the rough cuts. It's good stuff.

You can listen to it (and buy it, if you're so inclined) here.

That's it for now, I'll be back this weekend with something funny.

OK, I caved. I'm a twit.

People have asked me if I was on Twitter. "No," I would say, "I barely have time to blog let alone twit, or tweet, or twat, or whatever the kids are calling it these days."

But ... as you can see over there on the right, I've finally caved. I only have 9 followers so far, so yeah, it's a pretty exclusive club.

I have no idea how it even works or how long I'll be using it before I decide I've had enough, but if you feel like it, join up or sign up or follow me around or whatever you call it. I am asking you this mostly because I don't know if I can keep thinking shit up for 9 people, no matter how awesome and ahead of the curve they are.

Tell your friends. Originally I was thinking your real, live friends and not your Facebook friends, but OK, you can tell your Facebook friends, too.

As the banner up there says, "Don't Expect Too Much."

I'll try to deliver at least that. Thanks!

Pink and Grey Butterflies.

Since I haven't had time to write a proper blog entry what with all the roofing woes I'm having, I decided to let Site Meter have at it. I will apologize in advance for the subject matter, but I am not the one who is frantically clicking on random sites for answers to perverted questions. That you know of. That being said, here's another edition of :

Fantastic Google Searches That Somehow Led People To My Site

do porn stars eject stuff into their penis to make it bigger? - I assume you meant inject stuff, because really, ejecting stuff has the completely opposite effect. To answer your intended question instead of the one you actually asked, in this age of anus and scrotum bleaching, I wouldn't doubt it, but I am guessing probably not. I think most of them are simply born with huge cranks and decide the porn industry is their ticket to ride. And ride and ride and ride.

They always give me too much time to get undressed at the doctor's office. I can't decide if that means my doctor is just slow or if I'm a slut - I figure this line is from someone's stand-up routine, but I thought it was funny enough to include in its own right. You slut.

spraying piss all over the place when I go to the bathroom - I have two suggestions for you, depending upon your situation. One, try to remember to take your thumb off the end. If that doesn't do it, I suggest you go get it checked out by a doctor because that shit ain't right, and I don't want you pissing in/on/behind/in front of my urinal.

sweaty pussy vs. sweaty balls - This just sounds like a cage-match waiting to happen. I can see the event poster now. I'm really not sure what the fight would be about, because generally they both end up in that condition if you're doing it correctly. Maybe if there were a large purse involved and some decent odds, I'd place my bet on the SP, but really it could go either way.

my driveway look like a parking lot i got the bitch riding my dick with no shocks keep talkin and ima make the soda pop we always strapped when we hit the club - I actually checked this one to see why someone would click on a link to my blog based on the results. Turns out, my blog is the number one result for this search:



In fact, I'd go so far as to say that what Google displayed could be used as the second verse. Great. Now I have visions of Xzibit making millions by typing random strings of words into Google and cruising the search results slapping together dope rhymes. Yeah, I know. I'm way too white to say things like "dope rhymes." And "Xzibit.*"

homosexual rectum - I know you keep trying to change its ways. You beg, you plead, you make threats -- all to no avail. You're straight, but your rectum isn't. My advice to you would be to take baby steps -- start by keeping your rectum away from penises, and work your way up from there.

my butt feels sticky - see aforementioned advice.

booze cruise clothing optional - Wait. Aren't all booze cruises clothing optional if there is enough booze? It always seemed that way to me. Maybe that's why I'm not allowed on them anymore.

zombies triathlon backpacks - What a great idea! Come to think of it, those fast zombies in the 28 Days movies could really have used backpacks. They would have come in handy for all the spare entrails and what not. I'm not sure about the triathlon bit, however. I doubt you could pull it together since Zombies seem pretty disorganized as a general rule.

due sex pee pee online - I'm sorry, but I don't know what you're looking for, my friend. I do not believe the great and all-seeing Google knows either, since it sent you to my humble blog. Either someone owes someone else a virtual golden shower, or you are confusing your homonyms. Good luck and godspeed. I hope you get your due/do.

why does my cat's butt squirt out nasty stuff? - I think most of your problem stems from the fact that butts and nasty stuff go together like chocolate and, no wait - bad example. They go together. Let's just leave it at that. As for the "squirting" part -- I would check to see what you are putting in the other end of the cat and maybe modify it. Garbage in, garbage out and all that.

what happened to the dust floating on the water when the drop of soap was added - Welcome to my blog, you lazy piece. Here's an idea -- stop looking up your homework assignments on the internet and oh, I don't know....maybe just do them. Even though the world wide web can seem like the Cliff Notes of the Universe, sometimes you just have to do shit for yourself to really appreciate and understand it. Like sex, for example. It's the same idea, except the dust won't be disappointed with your little drop of soap and eventually tell you that it might be time to see other experiments.

what does it mean if a girl put a pink and grey butterfly on her door for a guy - You got me on this one. However, I am clearly no expert. Here is the total list of things I've had a girl put on her door for me:

(1) A different lock.





*which sounds like a card game Captain Kirk made up.

CYC.

Ever since the big Swine Flu media blitz, these signs have been popping up all over work (click to make larger):

Yes, you are correct. They are badly drawn posters that tell you how to sneeze and cough like a civilized human being instead of like...oh, I don't know...a farm animal, perhaps.

The pictures (which I assume some ad agency was paid big bucks to create) are comically bad, and the subject matter ridiculous. I also tend to think that the sort of people they are aimed at are exactly the sort of people least likely to read them. That's because they are too busy cleaning their ears with a car key, or scratching their sweaty nuts while standing at the urinal and then borrowing your favorite pen during a meeting.

I've decided to create my own equally ridiculous version. If I replaced one of the posters at work with this one, I wonder how long it would take for anyone to notice?

I'm betting the answer would be "Never."

My breakfast was glad to see me.