Swing your sword

Back in 1999, some drunk, naked, sword-wielding guy ran into a church in the UK and wounded some people. At the time, I had some comments about gun laws and media sensationalism, and questioned why 9 wounded people at a church was apparently considered page 6 news, but if it had been a gun instead of a sword, there would have been talking heads pounding on it for weeks. I won't get all political here, but let's just say I had some questions.

So yesterday, some drunk naked, sword-wielding guy in Iowa chased his neighbors around. He didn't get around to actually hacking anything or anyone up, and that's always a good thing. However, the story also left me with some questions. More specifically, one question:

What the hell is it with sword people and their apparent need to be naked?

You would think that drunkeness, really sharp objects and a floppin' member would definitely not go together. That's like getting drunk and heading out to the shop to mess with your table saw or bench grinder. Naked.

I needed to know this answer. Coincidentally enough for me, I knew where to get it. I happen to have a friend who is a swordsmith. In fact, he is the one who sent me this Iowa story earlier today. We make a good team in the sword-making arena -- whenever he makes a sword, I make the scabbard.

I trust this guy with my life, he's my best friend on this earth, and I know he would never steer me wrong. So I e-mailed him that exact question -- "What the hell is it with sword guys and their apparent need to be naked?"

He sent me an e-mail back that said, "If you have to ask --- "

So now, thanks to that cryptic answer, I have these very disturbing images of him running around his house completely naked, sword in hand, madly swinging everything every which way.

I was a little disappointed. Normally I get such accurate and in-depth analysis in response to my questions that it's downright scary. But today, sadly, I was not one of the privileged. I believe, after thinking on it for a while this evening, that it was his way of letting me down easy -- his way of saying this knowledge is given on a "need to know" basis, and I did not need to know.

Now, I have been forced to find out for myself. There has to be something that makes this combination of nakedness and sword-wielding attractive.

I have a sword -- it's an old, cast off experimental one that we never bothered to fit a scabbard to. It's a little heavy for me, and too damn sharp, but I'll keep my hiking boots on for traction. I'll also be sober, so it might not be a truly valid test, but I'll glean what I can from the experiment.

I'll keep you all posted.