This really (un)chafes my ass.

I was watching TV this morning, and there was some show on about the history of NASCAR. The only things I know about NASCAR I learned from flipping by it on my way to something else. I know these things:

1) It is some sort of car racing. The cars all look alike except for the decals, and they go around and around and around in a big oval, trying not to crash.

2) The people watching are all waiting for a crash.

3) In order to actually attend a race, you need five essential things: A mullet, a mustache, a baseball cap, a beer gut, and a pair of Oakleys. (OK, so maybe that's an unfair stereotype. In reality, I think those things are only requirements down south.)

Anyway, the story was about "up-and-coming" drivers, and one of the drivers they were showcasing was a female. Now, as I've said, I know nothing about NASCAR, so I have no idea what her name was. Apparently, she was having a hard time getting a sponsor, but finally, after months and years of hard work, she landed one. Her sponsor was Boudreaux's, and they make this:



I almost pissed myself when I saw her proudly walking around in her BUTT PASTE racing jacket. Here's a picture, since some people* didn't believe me:



Her car was also smeared with BUTT PASTE. I don't know what kind of money they were paying her, but it definitely wasn't enough. If I can find this stuff locally, I am totally buying some, just so I can put the jar on my desk.

Goddammit, that has to be the best product name ever.

If only other products were named and advertised the same way. Speaking of other products, I think this one is new, since I've been seeing the commercial every 20 minutes this past week, and also, because the package says NEW!



It seems that Monistat is branching out a bit. The yeast infection market must be in a slump, which is probably a good thing for the dating public, even though it might signal problems for the Monistat home office.

I saw a commercial for this stuff for the first time a few weeks ago. First off, wtf is "powder gel?" Is it powder or is it gel? It can't be a powder that turns into a gel, because that would just be a mess, so I'm assuming it's a gel that turns into a powder. In that case, shouldn't it be described as a gel-powder? And once you started sweating, wouldn't it turn back into a gel? So needless to say, I have questions.

Secondly, in the commercial they have some hot model putting this stuff on her thighs. I don't know much, but I do know this -- she needs to be at least another 75 pounds heavier than she was to make it even remotely believable. This woman's thighs have never touched each other by mistake in her entire life.

Not to mention the fact that she's rubbing this stuff on her legs like it's being instantly absorbed by her capillaries and rushed directly to the pleasure center of her brain.

All I'm saying is, how about a little "BUTT PASTE" truth in advertising here?

Let's think this through: The target market for this stuff is clearly overweight people who sweat a lot and have a chafing problem. Fair enough. Thighs, underarms, boobs, nuts, asscrack -- the chafing possibilities are staggering. The reality of chafing is not pretty.

Not that I mind seeing an attractive woman sensuously rubbing this stuff on her legs like it's water from the fountain of youth, but it really doesn't demonstrate the product's anti-chafing capabilities.

I say drop the niceties and tell it like it is. Get someone on TV who actually has, or could have, a chafing issue, and let them tell me how much this stuff rocks.

I want to see Louie Anderson on there telling me about how this stuff makes his man-boobs virtually frictionless.

I want Kirsty Alley to look me in the eye and tell me that her asscheeks are no longer raw and burning. I want to hear the cool, smooth glide of her newly gel-powdered ass going "swish, swish, swish," like the snowpants I had when I was a kid.

I was a marketing major in college, and the one thing they always harped on was that combining a celebrity endorsement with a product demo is a killer one-two punch. So how about it Monistat? If you can't get Louie or Kirsty, hit me with the "before and after" shots of Rosanne Barr's inner thighs. She'd probably do it for a box of Krispy Kremes.

Do that, and the day I start chafing, I will be at the store buying your product.


*Ammo Gal, you should never doubt me.