I saw this in the Wireless catalog the other day and thought it was so cute:
No, actually I'm lying. In fact, it chilled my soul and continues to haunt my dreams. I'm hoping that by sharing this with you, I can somehow dilute the horror evenly among my readers so I don't have to bear it alone. That said, I have a few observations I'd like to talk to you about.
Let's start with this one. Super-realistic? If you are sculpting a DEMON SQUIRREL PRINCE then yes, yes it is. And damn right I would have killed it if I could. I would have unloaded a full mag right into its head the minute I laid eyes on that fucking thing, even though it probably wouldn't have done any good.
Maybe it's just me, but "perfectly cute and kitschy" is not how I would describe this. I would go so far as to say it is evil and horrifying. I picture it walking up to my sliding glass door and knocking slowly with its bony claw until it hypnotizes me into letting it come in.
Also, I am pretty sure acorns are not what this unholy abomination is hoarding. I would bet money that it hoards nothing but tasty, tasty souls. Last but not least -- A customer favorite? Really? WTF kind of depraved customers does Wireless have, anyway? Dear god, just look at this face:
Is that not the exact opposite of cute and kitschy? It knows things about you. It knows about that bag of birdseed you keep under your mattress. It knows what you like to do with those walnuts late at night when nobody is watching.
It comes down off the wall at night, claws its way up the skirt of your bed, sits on your chest and watches you sleep. So sleep tight.
|Come. Take my hand.|
[edit - Hey, just to take your mind off the horror and get into the holiday spirit, let me tell you about this sale my wife has going on. If you go to her etsy shop and buy a hat, scarf, fingerless gloves or headband, and put "All Hail the Demon Squirrel Prince" in your order, she'll take off $5.00 per item and give you free shipping to boot. No, she doesn't know about this yet. But when she gets her first order that says, "All Hail the Demon Squirrel Prince," I think she'll know where to go for answers.]