3/11/08

What I like about Canada: by Special Dark

Special Dark always tells us that English is his second language, but we are pretty sure he doesn't have a first language. He's a great guy, and good-natured about all the ball-busting we dish out, but being around him for any length of time means that you will almost certainly witness inappropriateness of some kind or another in very short order.

This is the story of Special Dark and the similarities he shares with Martin Luther King. They actually have a lot in common, when you think about it.

Martin Luther King Jr: One of the pivotal leaders of the American Civil Rights movement, and the youngest person ever to receive the Nobel Peace Prize. One of the greatest orators in U.S. history.

Special Dark: Also black.

I recently found out that Special Dark has a fondness for Canada. How do I know this? Well, the training I went to a couple of weeks ago was sponsored by a Canadian company, and as a result our trainer was Canadian. Special Dark sat next to her at dinner, and I sat across the table from them. Since it's an election year, there was talk of a political nature, since the Canadians don't do things like we do. We were wondering what her opinion was of our method of governing, and she filled us all in. We were getting into it pretty heavily, and opinions about different methods of governing were being actively discussed.

Suddenly, Special Dark piped up. "You know what I love about Canada?" he asked. We all expected him to say something about the House of Commons, or maybe praise the current Prime Minister. Instead he said, "They have a lot of mixed race couples there. And everywhere you look, there's regular dudes with hot chicks. And I mean super-model hot."

The conversation ground to an immediate halt. Then, for emphasis, in case we didn't fully understand the ramifications of his statement, he swung a thumb at his chest and added "I'm talking about dudes like me."

If there's one thing Special Dark can't stand, it's an empty silence focused on him. If everyone is staring at him, he will do one thing consistently: He will dig himself deeper into whatever hole he has started for himself. So of course, he had to expound upon his theory.

"There's a lot of hot Asian women too," he said, this time to our instructor, who could do nothing but nod in agreement. Then, almost as an afterthought, he added, "That's my fantasy."

Everyone immediately cracked up. "No, wait" he said. "My fantasy isn't to be with an Asian super-model. Well, it is, but that's not what I'm trying to say. What I mean is, the world would be a better place if there were more mixed race couples." He paused for second, then in desperation said, "Racism: Bad. Mixed race couples equals less racism. Less racism: Good. That's my fantasy."

There was an uncomfortable silence, and before Special Dark could go on to bury himself even deeper, Scott said, "Um, did you mean dream?"

"Yes!" he said. "That's what I meant! I have a dream."

So while attempting to make a definitive statement about the status of the civil rights movement in Canada vs. the U.S., and how best to attack the problem of racism using Canada as a model, all he managed to do was inform everyone at the table that he wants to bang a hot Asian chick.

Because that's just how he rolls.

Ever since, we've been referring to it as Special Dark's "I Have A Fantasy" speech. I, for one, think we should memorialize the day of this speech with a national holiday, because let's face it -- we could all use more time off from work.

So here's to SD Day - Feb 28th, 2009.

Watch out, MLK. SD is coming for ya.

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34 comments:

  1. I think he and I must be separated at birth. I mean, I'm a white girl, but I have composed an entire blog based solely on my ability to say or do the wrong thing in front of people. He is ucky that he has you to write about it for him. I love this guy. And, as always, your storytelling.

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  2. Very funny. I know people like that, and they really are at their finest, when you just let them go...on, and on. You translated the awkwardness flawlessly.

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  3. That was hilarious! I think this deserves "favorite post" status and a place in your sidebar. Better yet, Special Dark deserves his own category.

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  4. I love SD stories and this one delivered in spades. Keep up the great work JV. You made me spit Grape Fanta with this one.

    ~Corbs

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  5. A Special Message to Special Dark,

    As an Asian chick, I wanted to thank you for your support and to humbly bow my head in acknowledgment that we are pretty hot. : )

    I also wanted to let you know that by being married to a white guy, I'm keeping the dream alive, baby! Multiculti Love Rocks My Boat!!!

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  6. i'm new to yor blog and hadn't encountered special dark before...lol...great story! look forward to hearing more about the man "who has a fantasy" hee hee:)

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  7. hmmm... Just occurred to me, my man was raised in Canada. SD, my friend, you're on to something!

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  8. I think I peed a little. That man is hysterical.

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  9. If SD's ever in Vancouver, send him my way. I know a few pretty Asian ladies who would love to meet a man with dental prowess and a knack for creating awkwardness wherever he goes. Keep the SD coming.

    (Although I would have preferred to see SD and MLK Jr. both wearing fur coats.)

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  10. LOL...oh my goodness-that was hysterical. I am right there with you, SD. I'm a black girl..er, woman and that's my fantasy,too. The less racism thing, not the Asian chick! Well...maybe if she's REALLY hot. :o)

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  11. was alcohol involved, or does SD manage to do these things perfectly sober?

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  12. Leigh, Sober. It's his gift.

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  13. You know what else is comin' for ya? The flu. Because we're twins. Separated at birth.

    http://stephbobb.blogspot.com/2008/02/how-i-love-flu-let-me-count-ways.html

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  14. I wish I was as ucky as sd.......

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  15. Hopefully SD...
    doesn't have any...
    STD's.

    If so, watch out asian chick!

    sick

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  16. Anonymous2:21 PM

    This is a truly great idea. I think I could really get behind someone who gives I have a fantasy speaches. And, as you say, we can always use another day of work.

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  17. No wonder you call him Special Dark.

    That is awesome by the way, I hope I get PTO time for SD day!

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  18. kristina3:23 PM

    Would those of us Canadians who are white girls be able to form one half of the racially diverse couples SD fantasizes about?

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  19. That is freaking hilarious! I shall right SD Day on my calendar for next year! :)

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  20. He's just so...

    SPECIAL!

    When I was in high school, there was a movie called Jungle Fever about a black/white couple. Maybe he could star in "Yellow Fever" - a gripping drama about a bi-racial couple where the hot Asian super model nurses him back to health after a life-threatening bout of malaria? Because that would be Hot. Like Paris Hilton hot.

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  21. JV - fabulous object lesson to my students about why using the correct word for things is so important. I've put the link on my "teacher" site. Thanks for educating America (and Canada).

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  22. Anonymous7:11 PM

    well in.

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  23. Anonymous7:28 PM

    Oh Johnny - I can't remember the last time I laughed til I cried. Keep up the good work, dear.

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  24. Seriously, a teacher linked to this post?

    Special Dark is educatin' the masses. I told you I couldn't wait, but it turned out...I could. Barely. And it was worth it.

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  25. Anonymous9:10 AM

    I, too, think the picture would be perfect if they were both wearing fur coats. What really got me, though, was Special Dark's VERY caucasian hand. Hmmm...

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  26. Anonymous9:40 AM

    Does S.D. ever go by "Little Bus Special Dark"?

    DILF

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  27. The funny thing is, it was actually a black dude.

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  28. Melanie Marie11:23 AM

    This is my 1st visit to your blog and the 1st post I have read. I AM HOOKED. Damn, I love super-dark. Mixed couples = hot + not hot... lmao!

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  29. Hey. I just stumbled upon you from Middle Sister. This was as funny. I am a Canadian girl who has worked with Large training companies. I felt like I was at that dinner table. Too funy. I can't wait to read more SD stories...

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  30. That was too funny! I just found your blog this week and I want to thank you for sucking up all my waking hours reading your archives. Your stories are awesome. You have a wonderful gift. Seriously you should write a book, and when you do let me know, so I can run out and get it. In the meantime I'll be content reading your blog, since I still have another years worth of archives to read. Never stop writing!

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  31. Huge guffaw and spit up pepsi through my nose on this one. Thanks for sharing, as always!

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  32. Special Dark is teh awesome, and SO deserves his own holiday.

    This has been my fantasy ever since I can remember; that we'd all intermarry and reproduce and someday there would be no racism, because we would all be a delicious mix of culture and color. Wouldn't that be a beautiful world?

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  33. I do have to remember to not be drinking something while reading this blog. I laughed so hard I now have diet coke in my nose!

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