7/5/05

those twisted bush twins

I saw two of these on someone's lawn on the way home today.



Can somebody tell me why anyone would actually pay good money to have one of these on their lawn? Number one, it looks ridiculous. Unless you are Edward Scissorhands, or Dr. Seuss, or even (at a stretch) Willy Wonka, you have no business with one of these things anywhere near your house. There is nothing like this in nature, and there's a reason for that. The reason is that it's fucking stupid. Also, it's very embarrassing for the plant. That being said, my mother would have totally loved these things. We had bright yellow vinyl furniture growing up, if that tells you anything. On hot days, you would leave two layers of thigh skin behind if you got up too fast.

Anyway, if you do this to a plant, or support those who do, know that it is the moral equivalent of putting a doll's dress on your cat, or a santa suit on your long suffering dog. In fact, it goes without saying that anyone with one of these abominations on their lawn should not be allowed to have pets, or dare I say, offspring.

If this unholy spawning is allowed, you can, with almost complete certainty, guarantee that somewhere in the house there will be a picture of said offspring all dressed alike in some ridiculous outfit.

Case in point: The picture of me and my two brothers that hung in my parent's house for way too many years. I can tell you this -- You haven't lived until you've been dressed in matching red-white-and-blue american flag leisure suits, dragged to the Sears portrait studio in broad daylight, and forced to pose tallest to smallest, straddling some sort of draped fence rail, crotch to ass all the way down the line like some sort of twisted village people-meets-jackson-5 homo train.

Dammit mom.

12 comments:

  1. tell me, jv...do you think a dog would get dizzy pissing on this?
    LibbY!

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  2. "crotch to ass all the way down the line like some sort of twisted village people-meets-jackson 5 homo train."

    Hahaha! I will laugh at that for the next hour. Ah the Sears portrait, how well I remember sitting on that platform while my mother chose a "background". So how do you feel about shrub animals? Those are cool aren't they?

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  3. "...village people meets jackson 5 homo train." that's pure goddamned genius. Don't think me and my 2 brothers didn't get matching homemade pajamas every christmas.

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  4. It's just Mom's payback for all the shit you boys pulled all the time, Johnny.

    I will give you big money if you put that picture up on your blog.

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  5. again drive through the 'burbs' and I'll bet at least 1 out of every 5 have those bushes on their doorsteps or right near them.

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  6. Cripes I feel your pain. We had that swifto neato cool 60s furniture too... only ours was plaid striped with separate cushions for the ass and back. Without fail every cushion ended up on the floor each time anyone stood up.
    I about died reading this post because just three days ago, I found a picture my mother took on Easter Sunday when I was about 7. Me and one of my older sisters, dressed in the god-blessed sailor looking dresses with matching bonnets. What drugs were they on back then anyway?
    As to the bushes? Incredible.

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  7. This is so funny. In the last week I have read two other blogs complaining about these damn bushes! My personal favorite is when they are in front of trailer homes.

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  8. Being that I love the burbs, and I love big developer special houses, I would also love that little bush next to my front door. But I would likely kill it within a few weeks because that's what happens to my green things.

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  9. Every Sears (or Olan Mills a little later in life as we moved into the upper lower middle class) I had on the pink carbon copy dress of my one-year older sister's blue dress. To this day I friggin' hate pink. My "favorite" background was the Autumn Day one.

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  10. I hate more that decorative bushes, are those stupid geese that people dress up! My mother has three in her front yard, and every holiday she decorates them to match! Drives me insane!

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  11. Case in point: The picture of me and my two brothers that hung in my parent's house for way too many years. I can tell you this -- You haven't lived until you've been dressed in matching red-white-and-blue american flag leisure suits, dragged to the Sears portrait studio in broad daylight, and forced to pose tallest to smallest, straddling some sort of draped fence rail, crotch to ass all the way down the line like some sort of twisted village people-meets-jackson-5 homo train.

    Dammit mom.


    Best.paragraph.ever.

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  12. As I have threatened to do, now that I can post comments I am going back and posting on the ones that just "got me"!
    Your sentence:
    Case in point: The picture of me and my two brothers that hung in my parent's house for way too many years. I can tell you this -- You haven't lived until you've been dressed in matching red-white-and-blue american flag leisure suits, dragged to the Sears portrait studio in broad daylight, and forced to pose tallest to smallest, straddling some sort of draped fence rail, crotch to ass all the way down the line like some sort of twisted village people-meets-jackson-5 homo train.

    Oh MY God! For anyone who grew up in the 60-70 years this is just a standard every year indignity that we endured as part of our torturous family traditions! This sentence/paragraph is just effin brilliant! I mean seriously, with a little tweaking you could enter this into the longest crazy paragraph contest! It's a real contest and I swear I will find the name of it and send it to you!

    and just to warn you, if you do read your past blog comments: I curse and can not spell...just a warning, if it's a problem, let me know, I'll try to tone it down!

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